My birthday is in like three days... and I've never felt more like crap.
My grades are so close to being great and I feel like there's these permanent road blocks in my way- The teachers do NOT want to help me with this- or so it feels- I've outgrown my usefulness to my hero who now doesn't like me anymore- there's nothing to read- my group hates me- I seem to have that affect on people- I have like two friends and I feel like I can tell them very little- No one cares that it's my birthday. My family is trying to turn it into this thing that's more about school than ME and I'm being mean to the one person who I've ever liked as a prospective mate.
On the plus side- it wasn't hot today.
Seriously, I feel like I can't tell anyone how crappy things are right now. If I try they don't listen or they think I'm joking and the people who do care didn't used to care and now it's like... I can't tell you anything, you blew it.
I want a therapist but if I tell my mom I'm going to therapy it'll just be worse. I can't even cry. I mean, I was so upset today and then people just treated it like it was no big deal... at all.
And I know that no one's going to remember my birthday. I mean, they never do. Joseph will, that's something.
But I'm not cool/nice/sincere/great enough for other people to remember me.
I'm not hilarious, I'm not incredibly sweet or even incredibly awkward, I just make people hate me.
Like my group members.
Victor hates me, he makes shooting fingers under the desk at me.
And I totally thought he was nice/cute.
And he totally hates me.
And people who I think/thought were my friends totally hate/disrespect/ don't take me serious.
And I'm not a good writer anymore, apparently, or not *great* because Mrs. Edwards doesn't love me anymore.
And I have writers block.
And I'm going to be seventeen and no one cares. I don't even care that much.
There's too much work to do and no one to take me seriously and I just want to go to Disneyland and never come home.
Because my heart is pulsing with my own humanity and it's painful and sad.
"And livings just a waste of breath and life it just a waste of death and why do we put the same address on the same old loneliness?"
Like that song.
I sort of finished reading/skimming Macbeth for school and I loved the speech Macbeth made when his wifey was dead.
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..."
And it's like... I just want to go run away to Italy for the summer, wander the Colosseum, eat cake, drink tiny espresso, flirt with Italian guys, bathe in fountains when it's hot and sleep on park benches.
Because i'm tired of the stress and the unfairness and the insanity and people not listening.
Because I want to go and do something reckless enough that people will notice and think i'm completely insane and interesting at the same time.
Something that will make all the bastards that treated me like crap (and continue to treat me like crap) in middle school take pause and recognize me as a fellow human being.
Most of all to get away from tomorrow... and tomorrow... and tomorrow.
To do something that will make me interesting and glamorous and tan and more Bianca than I am right now. (contradiction, though. LoL. Bianca= white)
I want to run away to find more of myself, chisel my character into something that everyone, not just I, love. Someone who's reckless and a little bit dangerous.
The someone I know I am that no one else believes is there.
I want to end the endless expectations, cease the ceaseless bragging and lectures and stop the secret contempt.
I want freedom.
I want glory.
I want love.
But the greatest of all these things is... as of this second; Freedom.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Adult Inside My Heart- Grows Down
Hey Peeps!
(In honor of the so-called zombie holiday, and I say it only in fun and mean no offense ;p Just like I meant none in the rant I wrote for the I-Poly Official Magazine, where said that chocolate brains from Sees Co. would be more relevant than Bunnies...)
So I didn't even have a peep today! LoL What fun is that?
But i really did have a great Easter... I received some movie tickets and some of those sucker candies... no chocolate though... kinda sad ;p And Tia Nana gave me this kind of little kiddish polyester bright green Tinkerbell set of pajamas.... and I must say I'm sort of in love with them. ;p It's super weird/cool. Tia Bertha/Nina/Dada gave me the movie tickets :D
It was weird, my mom was blah blahing about the whole Yale thing and then... all of a sudden.. the fam was... super different...
I mean, my family's full of kids that are younger/more immature than myself and they were all... like... mature-er... It was so odd.
My little cousin has his driver's permit, he and Jared didn't just go play video games straight away, Olivia played with the little kids but everyone sat together and talked... like, every one's finally growing up... it's so weird!
And then the adults, usually, when I try to talk WITH them, they ignore me or kind of interrupt me... like, I don't really matter that much because I'm not 18+, but today, they actually talked WITH me, listened to me, responded intelligently.... IDK, it was cool/weird, the combination made for a really, really cool Easter. I mean... it was so pleasant! And what made it 10x better was that I didn't watch everyone else have a good time like I normally do, I sort of... was in it... which is rare, to say the least... I'm happy though, really happy. :)
And then I had fun dying eggiwegs, I sort of got overzealous and dies the raw ones at our house... so breakfast can be more interesting, you know? I even made devilled eggs, which I ADORE! YUM!
Oh my goodness, we had this project for English, project Tableau, and all this vacation time to work on it, and I so did NOTHING.
But I'm not freaking out... magically.
I guess it's cuz.... the sub teacher/ student teacher/ person, Mrs. Moore, she sort of tricked me by half-threatening my grade if I didn't get a group member and friend of mine to work... which is impossible because, honestly the girl's just too freaking smart to be expected to do high school work... she should have two PHDs by now... and yeah. I sort of mini exploded... which I haven't done for real in like... ever...
I lost control.
Which brought me back to my Jr. High days, which made me mad at myself, which made me mad at Mrs. Moore, which then made me even angrier at myself for being a stoopid pawn, which made me promise to calm down and not freak out like... at all.
Which has actually been working out pretty well... I feel pretty zen...
Which helped me when my mom told me that she didn't date because I'm basically too smart/annoying to be trusted around others...
I'm not even that smart! Why does no one understand that knowing random crud doesn't make me intelligent, it just gives people the impression that I am??? And that I'm not like, IDK, overwhelmed with knowledge and that's why I can't stop saying facts, it's just because, half of the time, I don't even know that they're "facts" I just say them! UGH!
It's like word vomit, thoughtless word vomit... I find it interesting so I say it and then every one's all 0.o
It makes me INSANE.
I mean, if I was so freaking smart, maybe I'd get an E in writing workshop or maybe I'd pass chemistry wit an AE!!! LoL
I'm not retarded, I just think I'm that line between Intelligent and average.
It's like:
Idiot----------------Average-------[Bianca]------ Intelligent------FREAKING GENIUS----- Jo Thorne +Kat Meza
Yeah, just like that!
LoL!
Note where I am on the Brain o meter.
And don't let the zombies see!
Haha Oh, Dan Waters...
OMGoodness B&N didn't have Gen Dead Paperback edition with the two chapters of the soon-to-be-in-a-store-near-you SEQUEL!!!!'
I was SOOOOO bummed!
OMGOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHHH!!!!
I almost forgot- I officially found THE BEST BOOK EVVVVVEEEER!!!!
*AHHhhh Chorus Of Angels AHHHHHHHhhh*
~ A Certain Slant of Light ~
It's *so* cute!!!
couple- old- teenage bodies- strict parents- EMPTY SHELL PEOPLE [so freakin frightening]- OMGOODNESS CUTENESS=- ROMANCE- old fashioned- he tries to tip his hat BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE HE'S IN THE BODY OF A DRUGGIA AND HE HAS NO HATTTTT!!!! :D
SO AMAZING!!!
LoL
Also, I'm in love with a gross/frightening movie...
Yeah, I'm sort of in love with it....
A Haunting in Connecticut!
I thought it was going to scare the pants offa me but it was actually... really touching...
And the boy, Jonah, he was so sad! I wanted to hug him... but then he was charred and I was like... *hug like white people* LoL! and then he had cancer and... and... and the whole thing about ectoplasm, I was like, OMGoodness this was so not mentioned by Mary Roach! I was like, that has to count as ghost rape or SOMETHING because that looks completely awful!
And I LOVE the paradox poem!
and the struggle with addiction and the hospitals and the end!
<333
I loved that they found peace. :)
The sounds were gross, though, that part really, really wrong.
Anyways....
really great plot... I want to go see it again ;p
LoL
and "A Certain Slant of Light"
I was telling Christina how much I loved it because she read it <3>
and I was like, "OMGoodness I want to marry that book when I grow up! If it was a person and I could choose between book person and Gerard Way, I'd push Way out of the way and attack book person!"
But by that part Chris and I were cracking up too hard to even hear the rest, LoL
Way out of the way...
AnyWAY
I'm currently enjoying my insomnia right now... I think I'd be diagnosed as a partial insomniac... weirdly, during the break, when I could sleep at late and stay up as late as I wanted, I went to be at like nine or ten and woke at 8ish.... Maybe it's my almost-insomnia...
Anywhooo...
Imma try to sleep now... This Spring Break was nice, I made a whole bunch of plans and then broke them all to eat lemon tarts and drink iced green tea at Barnes and noble and watch a scary movie and wear pretty dressed :)
That's my kind of productivity.
My Love,
-Bianca
ps. I figured out that I'm an Italian changeling and that, somewhere in a pasta-eating family, the real Bianca with dark hair/skin is frowning at her manicotti, wishing for beans and pronouncing "IL" as "EL" LoL
<3
(In honor of the so-called zombie holiday, and I say it only in fun and mean no offense ;p Just like I meant none in the rant I wrote for the I-Poly Official Magazine, where said that chocolate brains from Sees Co. would be more relevant than Bunnies...)
So I didn't even have a peep today! LoL What fun is that?
But i really did have a great Easter... I received some movie tickets and some of those sucker candies... no chocolate though... kinda sad ;p And Tia Nana gave me this kind of little kiddish polyester bright green Tinkerbell set of pajamas.... and I must say I'm sort of in love with them. ;p It's super weird/cool. Tia Bertha/Nina/Dada gave me the movie tickets :D
It was weird, my mom was blah blahing about the whole Yale thing and then... all of a sudden.. the fam was... super different...
I mean, my family's full of kids that are younger/more immature than myself and they were all... like... mature-er... It was so odd.
My little cousin has his driver's permit, he and Jared didn't just go play video games straight away, Olivia played with the little kids but everyone sat together and talked... like, every one's finally growing up... it's so weird!
And then the adults, usually, when I try to talk WITH them, they ignore me or kind of interrupt me... like, I don't really matter that much because I'm not 18+, but today, they actually talked WITH me, listened to me, responded intelligently.... IDK, it was cool/weird, the combination made for a really, really cool Easter. I mean... it was so pleasant! And what made it 10x better was that I didn't watch everyone else have a good time like I normally do, I sort of... was in it... which is rare, to say the least... I'm happy though, really happy. :)
And then I had fun dying eggiwegs, I sort of got overzealous and dies the raw ones at our house... so breakfast can be more interesting, you know? I even made devilled eggs, which I ADORE! YUM!
Oh my goodness, we had this project for English, project Tableau, and all this vacation time to work on it, and I so did NOTHING.
But I'm not freaking out... magically.
I guess it's cuz.... the sub teacher/ student teacher/ person, Mrs. Moore, she sort of tricked me by half-threatening my grade if I didn't get a group member and friend of mine to work... which is impossible because, honestly the girl's just too freaking smart to be expected to do high school work... she should have two PHDs by now... and yeah. I sort of mini exploded... which I haven't done for real in like... ever...
I lost control.
Which brought me back to my Jr. High days, which made me mad at myself, which made me mad at Mrs. Moore, which then made me even angrier at myself for being a stoopid pawn, which made me promise to calm down and not freak out like... at all.
Which has actually been working out pretty well... I feel pretty zen...
Which helped me when my mom told me that she didn't date because I'm basically too smart/annoying to be trusted around others...
I'm not even that smart! Why does no one understand that knowing random crud doesn't make me intelligent, it just gives people the impression that I am??? And that I'm not like, IDK, overwhelmed with knowledge and that's why I can't stop saying facts, it's just because, half of the time, I don't even know that they're "facts" I just say them! UGH!
It's like word vomit, thoughtless word vomit... I find it interesting so I say it and then every one's all 0.o
It makes me INSANE.
I mean, if I was so freaking smart, maybe I'd get an E in writing workshop or maybe I'd pass chemistry wit an AE!!! LoL
I'm not retarded, I just think I'm that line between Intelligent and average.
It's like:
Idiot----------------Average-------[Bianca]------ Intelligent------FREAKING GENIUS----- Jo Thorne +Kat Meza
Yeah, just like that!
LoL!
Note where I am on the Brain o meter.
And don't let the zombies see!
Haha Oh, Dan Waters...
OMGoodness B&N didn't have Gen Dead Paperback edition with the two chapters of the soon-to-be-in-a-store-near-you SEQUEL!!!!'
I was SOOOOO bummed!
OMGOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSHHHH!!!!
I almost forgot- I officially found THE BEST BOOK EVVVVVEEEER!!!!
*AHHhhh Chorus Of Angels AHHHHHHHhhh*
~ A Certain Slant of Light ~
It's *so* cute!!!
couple- old- teenage bodies- strict parents- EMPTY SHELL PEOPLE [so freakin frightening]- OMGOODNESS CUTENESS=- ROMANCE- old fashioned- he tries to tip his hat BUT HE CAN'T BECAUSE HE'S IN THE BODY OF A DRUGGIA AND HE HAS NO HATTTTT!!!! :D
SO AMAZING!!!
LoL
Also, I'm in love with a gross/frightening movie...
Yeah, I'm sort of in love with it....
A Haunting in Connecticut!
I thought it was going to scare the pants offa me but it was actually... really touching...
And the boy, Jonah, he was so sad! I wanted to hug him... but then he was charred and I was like... *hug like white people* LoL! and then he had cancer and... and... and the whole thing about ectoplasm, I was like, OMGoodness this was so not mentioned by Mary Roach! I was like, that has to count as ghost rape or SOMETHING because that looks completely awful!
And I LOVE the paradox poem!
and the struggle with addiction and the hospitals and the end!
<333
I loved that they found peace. :)
The sounds were gross, though, that part really, really wrong.
Anyways....
really great plot... I want to go see it again ;p
LoL
and "A Certain Slant of Light"
I was telling Christina how much I loved it because she read it <3>
and I was like, "OMGoodness I want to marry that book when I grow up! If it was a person and I could choose between book person and Gerard Way, I'd push Way out of the way and attack book person!"
But by that part Chris and I were cracking up too hard to even hear the rest, LoL
Way out of the way...
AnyWAY
I'm currently enjoying my insomnia right now... I think I'd be diagnosed as a partial insomniac... weirdly, during the break, when I could sleep at late and stay up as late as I wanted, I went to be at like nine or ten and woke at 8ish.... Maybe it's my almost-insomnia...
Anywhooo...
Imma try to sleep now... This Spring Break was nice, I made a whole bunch of plans and then broke them all to eat lemon tarts and drink iced green tea at Barnes and noble and watch a scary movie and wear pretty dressed :)
That's my kind of productivity.
My Love,
-Bianca
ps. I figured out that I'm an Italian changeling and that, somewhere in a pasta-eating family, the real Bianca with dark hair/skin is frowning at her manicotti, wishing for beans and pronouncing "IL" as "EL" LoL
<3
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Magic Meet Keyboard!
Garrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Hey Peoples...
So I finished reading the Holly Black Tithe/Valiant/Ironside series yesterday (I started... IDK, sometime during the week...) and it was SO AMAZING!!!
I figured out that I only love angsty chracters...
So, of course, I LOVE Roiben!!! and Ravus! MUAH! I love them!
But mostly I love Roiben... because, you know, he's pretty. But i still like Ravus, I love his character... the whole book is like an even more magical homeless cracked out Beauty and the Beast! YEAH! It's so cool! I even like Val a little, despite her druggieness... she falls in love with Ravus, I guess that sort of redeems her. But the whole part before the ending was so SAD! HOW COULD HE THINK SHE DIDN'T LOVE HIM!?!?!? GAH! LoL
Anyway
It gave me an idea for Micte, see, she's supposed to marry this other king, Gerard of Thantos, so the kingdom can combine against Trell... only Gerard falls in love with Jane, he BFF, which she's grateful for, because she sort of hates Gerard, but no worries- they get to know each other and become platonic friend later on.
ANYWAY
I didn't want little Micte to not have a sweetie
So I was like OHMY GOODNESS!
She can have a KAYE! (Not a girl, though, there's only room for one amazing gay character right now, and it's Jason and he's in an entirely different book, MKAY?)
like, she can't marry him because everyone disapproves of him because...
He's a fairy boy!!! (tehe, again, not gay, only room for Jason, Jason darling needs his space!)
He's got wings! (And I'm debating on a different color skin but all I can come up with is GOLD! Yeah!)
and since he's a fairy, he's not really supposed to be trusted, but then I'm thinking he's only half Fairy... don't ask how that happened...
and since he's a mutt, no one likes him!
But Micte most certainly does *wags eyebrows*
and yeah!
it'll be so PERFECT!
<333
and I'm thinkingI like the Eragon/Tithe Name thing, it'll cause some good fear/angst... maybe
LoL
sooooooo...
Oh this week is spring break... EASTER VACATION!
and my mom already seems to not be in a very good mood... *sigh*
this is so normal it's sad.
RATH ROIBEN RYE!!!!!!!!!!!
<333
tehe
anywho....
M really bored right now...
I have this urge to be super duper magical! And I'm going to ren fair as a fairy!! YEAH! (I've been planning that anyways, LoL)
but now i have this problem, it's growing and growing and growning exponentially...
cuz, see...
I really want to write something MAGICAL
Even though I have all these new ideas for Misha...
I really want to write *Magic*
so My OBVIOUS choice is Micte and her magical kingdom of death! <3>
But then there's Ava! And she's PSYCHIC!
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
IDK!
IDK IDK IDK
and then I was reading Isabel and I realized what a horrible writer i was/can be
anyway
I've got tons of plans for vacation time, and almost none of them involve being home :D
peace out- lovers!
love,
-Bee!
ps. FOUR pages of the new I-Poly Magazine!!!
FOUR!!!! <3333
pss. i want to glamour myself green-eyed, blond and long-haired with crazy long lashes and a freaking sweet fairy costume and wings and.... and... and....
Hey Peoples...
So I finished reading the Holly Black Tithe/Valiant/Ironside series yesterday (I started... IDK, sometime during the week...) and it was SO AMAZING!!!
I figured out that I only love angsty chracters...
So, of course, I LOVE Roiben!!! and Ravus! MUAH! I love them!
But mostly I love Roiben... because, you know, he's pretty. But i still like Ravus, I love his character... the whole book is like an even more magical homeless cracked out Beauty and the Beast! YEAH! It's so cool! I even like Val a little, despite her druggieness... she falls in love with Ravus, I guess that sort of redeems her. But the whole part before the ending was so SAD! HOW COULD HE THINK SHE DIDN'T LOVE HIM!?!?!? GAH! LoL
Anyway
It gave me an idea for Micte, see, she's supposed to marry this other king, Gerard of Thantos, so the kingdom can combine against Trell... only Gerard falls in love with Jane, he BFF, which she's grateful for, because she sort of hates Gerard, but no worries- they get to know each other and become platonic friend later on.
ANYWAY
I didn't want little Micte to not have a sweetie
So I was like OHMY GOODNESS!
She can have a KAYE! (Not a girl, though, there's only room for one amazing gay character right now, and it's Jason and he's in an entirely different book, MKAY?)
like, she can't marry him because everyone disapproves of him because...
He's a fairy boy!!! (tehe, again, not gay, only room for Jason, Jason darling needs his space!)
He's got wings! (And I'm debating on a different color skin but all I can come up with is GOLD! Yeah!)
and since he's a fairy, he's not really supposed to be trusted, but then I'm thinking he's only half Fairy... don't ask how that happened...
and since he's a mutt, no one likes him!
But Micte most certainly does *wags eyebrows*
and yeah!
it'll be so PERFECT!
<333
and I'm thinkingI like the Eragon/Tithe Name thing, it'll cause some good fear/angst... maybe
LoL
sooooooo...
Oh this week is spring break... EASTER VACATION!
and my mom already seems to not be in a very good mood... *sigh*
this is so normal it's sad.
RATH ROIBEN RYE!!!!!!!!!!!
<333
tehe
anywho....
M really bored right now...
I have this urge to be super duper magical! And I'm going to ren fair as a fairy!! YEAH! (I've been planning that anyways, LoL)
but now i have this problem, it's growing and growing and growning exponentially...
cuz, see...
I really want to write something MAGICAL
Even though I have all these new ideas for Misha...
I really want to write *Magic*
so My OBVIOUS choice is Micte and her magical kingdom of death! <3>
But then there's Ava! And she's PSYCHIC!
AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
IDK!
IDK IDK IDK
and then I was reading Isabel and I realized what a horrible writer i was/can be
anyway
I've got tons of plans for vacation time, and almost none of them involve being home :D
peace out- lovers!
love,
-Bee!
ps. FOUR pages of the new I-Poly Magazine!!!
FOUR!!!! <3333
pss. i want to glamour myself green-eyed, blond and long-haired with crazy long lashes and a freaking sweet fairy costume and wings and.... and... and....
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