Utter Crap

My birthday is in like three days... and I've never felt more like crap.
My grades are so close to being great and I feel like there's these permanent road blocks in my way- The teachers do NOT want to help me with this- or so it feels- I've outgrown my usefulness to my hero who now doesn't like me anymore- there's nothing to read- my group hates me- I seem to have that affect on people- I have like two friends and I feel like I can tell them very little- No one cares that it's my birthday. My family is trying to turn it into this thing that's more about school than ME and I'm being mean to the one person who I've ever liked as a prospective mate.
On the plus side- it wasn't hot today.

Seriously, I feel like I can't tell anyone how crappy things are right now. If I try they don't listen or they think I'm joking and the people who do care didn't used to care and now it's like... I can't tell you anything, you blew it.

I want a therapist but if I tell my mom I'm going to therapy it'll just be worse. I can't even cry. I mean, I was so upset today and then people just treated it like it was no big deal... at all.
And I know that no one's going to remember my birthday. I mean, they never do. Joseph will, that's something.
But I'm not cool/nice/sincere/great enough for other people to remember me.

I'm not hilarious, I'm not incredibly sweet or even incredibly awkward, I just make people hate me.

Like my group members.

Victor hates me, he makes shooting fingers under the desk at me.
And I totally thought he was nice/cute.

And he totally hates me.

And people who I think/thought were my friends totally hate/disrespect/ don't take me serious.

And I'm not a good writer anymore, apparently, or not *great* because Mrs. Edwards doesn't love me anymore.
And I have writers block.

And I'm going to be seventeen and no one cares. I don't even care that much.

There's too much work to do and no one to take me seriously and I just want to go to Disneyland and never come home.

Because my heart is pulsing with my own humanity and it's painful and sad.
"And livings just a waste of breath and life it just a waste of death and why do we put the same address on the same old loneliness?"
Like that song.
I sort of finished reading/skimming Macbeth for school and I loved the speech Macbeth made when his wifey was dead.
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..."

And it's like... I just want to go run away to Italy for the summer, wander the Colosseum, eat cake, drink tiny espresso, flirt with Italian guys, bathe in fountains when it's hot and sleep on park benches.
Because i'm tired of the stress and the unfairness and the insanity and people not listening.

Because I want to go and do something reckless enough that people will notice and think i'm completely insane and interesting at the same time.

Something that will make all the bastards that treated me like crap (and continue to treat me like crap) in middle school take pause and recognize me as a fellow human being.

Most of all to get away from tomorrow... and tomorrow... and tomorrow.

To do something that will make me interesting and glamorous and tan and more Bianca than I am right now. (contradiction, though. LoL. Bianca= white)

I want to run away to find more of myself, chisel my character into something that everyone, not just I, love. Someone who's reckless and a little bit dangerous.

The someone I know I am that no one else believes is there.

I want to end the endless expectations, cease the ceaseless bragging and lectures and stop the secret contempt.

I want freedom.

I want glory.

I want love.

But the greatest of all these things is... as of this second; Freedom.